Not So SAHM

ROADSCHOOLING somewhere between Here and There

Fake Bake or Green Goddess?

Here’s a lesson I’ve learned recently…

If a bottle of self tanner warns you to wear gloves they mean it. They’re not just writing it to waste ink and space. That’s something I should know as a business woman. When the very first words of the directions are “wear gloves” you probably should stop what you’re doing, go find some gloves, and then proceed to finish reading the directions.

So, I commit the ultimate mistake and think, “Ha! That never matters. You apply the lotion, wash your hands and then someway figure out how to get the tops of your hands tan. Let’s get tan!”

I flip the lid and notice that the lotion isn’t a light color at all, it’s really dark…and thick. I’ve used several self tanners before, and none have been the color and consistency of green bean baby poop. Being the adventurous spirit that I am, and rationalizing that it’s night so I’ve got at least 12 hours before I have to be seen in public….and it’s winter so I won’t look like a freak for being clothed from chin to toe, I forge ahead. I squirt a huge blob into my palm and take a deep breath.

The poop lotion goes on smoothly on my leg and I’m impressed that I can actually see where this stuff is going. Usually self tanning lotions profess to be “tinted so you can see where you’ve applied” and promise no streaks. And usually the tint is oh so faint and I look like a tiger after the stuff dries and takes effect. So, I’m smoothly applying this green stuff all over my legs (with bare palms) and I begin to giggle. I’m thinking to myself: OMG, what have I gotten myself into? I’m going to be the Incredible Hulk until I can exfoliate this stuff off! Du calls in from the bedroom, “what are you laughing at?” “Oh, nothing honey!” tee hee (Nothing other than the Jolly Green Giant will be joining you in bed tonight!)

I finish with the legs and decide that I need to get this stuff off my palms before it permanently sets. I can move onto the arms after the palms are clean. Well, I wash and I scrub…and I wash and I scrub…and I scratch my palms with fingernails until they hurt. The foam of the soap is green so why are my palms not coming clean!!! The laughter becomes less of a tee hee here and more of a groan. This really piques my husband’s interest and I must go out and show him what I’ve done to myself.

Somehow I manage to get most of the green off my palms. No gloves in the house, although we both swear we have some, but who knows where they’d be. I’m getting smarter so I start looking around for something that will smear the green bean puree on my skin without making my palms discolored. I find makeup sponges and figure that’s as good as gloves. I gently and gingerly apply the goo to my arms, even the tops of my hands (so that’s how it’s done!). There’s a little bit of color seeping onto the sides of some fingers from the sponge, but I’ve gone beyond worrying what my fingers will look like–I’m green on a majority of my body. Now I’m supposed to let it dry before going to bed. At least I did follow their guidance and started this process before bed.

I wake up this morning and am almost afraid to take off my jammies. I slept in long pants and a long shirt just in case the stuff would bleed onto the sheets. So, being the great procrastinator that I am (and being one that loves surprises as well), I don’t get my shower until later in the day. It turns out that I’m no longer a martian and I have a very subtle tan. The shower does wash away what’s left of my Hulkness and my palms are no worse for the wear.

I did go out today and buy honest to goodness gloves. And I can’t wait to apply more coats of the poo. I’ve got to be tan for Florida! The bottle even says it’s safe for the face. Dare I try?

Fake Bake The strangely lovely potion.

12 comments on “Fake Bake or Green Goddess?

  1. Leigh Anne
    Thursday, January 31, 2008

    You are far braver than I…said the lady who uses the L’Oreal “subtle stuff” that goes on like a lotion and over time develops into a color that’s pretty natural. But i wish you’d shown pics of your green hands…and of your attempt with the little make-up sponge!

  2. notsosahm
    Thursday, January 31, 2008

    I should have taken pictures…but then my camera would be green. I’m standing right now typing this so my new application dries. The gloves worked wonders.

  3. Emily
    Wednesday, June 25, 2008

    I think I just might have to try that stuff out…with gloves, of course.

  4. EmmyJMommy
    Wednesday, December 3, 2008

    I have to say that the only self-tanners I have used have turned me bright ORANGE!!!! At least you looked nice!

  5. Emily
    Wednesday, February 11, 2009

    FYI It’s not supposed to be green! You got a bad product, I only know this because I just got off the phone with the company after a very similar experience as yours. Only, I now have a very itchy rash and it has been 4 days since I used it!

  6. Mel
    Sunday, January 3, 2010

    Green means the bottle is old. Suprisingly you turned tan the next day!! lucky you! I just found 2 bottles of the foam one and its really green.. I googled it and it’s saying that if it’s green it’s old. I LOVED this product. I definately need to get more!!!

  7. YOLANDA
    Saturday, February 6, 2010

    I am Tiger Woods fun,but I have found another place more interesting about his crazy life.Cu

  8. elyse betters
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Green goddess, eh? I haven’t tried that. I didn’t know it actually turned you green. Now I want to try it just to get the “martian” effect like you were saying, hahaha. I’m glad it washed off though. You are really amusing.

    • Vicki
      Thursday, February 24, 2011

      Saw on your blog that you tried Fake Bake. How did it turn out for you?! I’m so pale in the winter as well. I should get another bottle (and make sure it’s not green). I love the layout of your blog, btw. I’ve been wanting one like that and didn’t realize WordPress.com had one! I may do some tweaking soon…

      • Élyse Betters
        Thursday, January 19, 2012

        I’m sorry. Just saw your response 10 months later. HA! Umm, Fake Bake is so far my FAVORITE tanning lotion. It keeps me dark, looks so natural, and I always get compliments. After a few weeks it can tend to cake up though, so regular exfoliation is needed. Oh, and it can wear off onto clothes and sheets within the first 24 hours of application. However, it is amazing. I apply it once a week -sometimes two – and it lasts forever and looks beautiful.

  9. Élyse Betters
    Thursday, January 19, 2012

    I’m sorry. Just saw your response 10 months later. HA! Umm, Fake Bake is so far my FAVORITE tanning lotion. It keeps me dark, looks so natural, and I always get compliments. After a few weeks it can tend to cake up though, so regular exfoliation is needed. Oh, and it can wear off onto clothes and sheets within the first 24 hours of application. However, it is amazing. I apply it once a week -sometimes two – and it lasts forever and looks beautiful.

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    Wednesday, March 27, 2013

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This entry was posted on Thursday, January 31, 2008 by in Blog, Girly Girl and tagged , , .

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