Open letter to the mall kiosk salespeople

Dear mall kiosk salespeople,

Oh my freaking word. If homicide were legal I think I’d be a professional. I wish my looks could kill because then you’d be gone and I wouldn’t even have to wash my hands.* I’m not sure if you’ve ever considered this or not, but when I go to the mall I go to shop for things that I want. I’m sure you think you can convince me that I want need what you are peddling, but I can assure you.

You. will. fail.

Because, I. am. cheap frugal. That wasn’t on my list so I ain’t buying it. Please, for the sake of pleasant-shopping Vicki, STOP bothering me!

I go to search for things. I don’t go to have things brought to me. It’s about the hunt. If I wanted that kind of shopping experience I’d go to New York and hire a personal shopper who would bring me things while I sipped chai teas and ate finger sandwiches. Or, I’d feign interest and actually walk up to you and stand there waiting for you to peddle. I wouldn’t turn my head, or pretend to talk on the phone, or pretend to be listening to what my daughter is rambling on about, or pretend I’m looking for a store, or pretend I’m really in a hurry, or pretend I’m listening to my iPod, or pretend I’m looking for my keys. You see, I never really am doing those things. It’s all a ploy to make you think I’m too busy for you.

I’m sure you are given training in how to deal with and get around shoppers’ avoidance tactics. I’ll let you in on a secret though, your attempts to subvert our subversive maneuvers just tick us off. This just doubles the chances of you failing in trying to get me to buy your crap.

Honestly, I just don’t want what you’ve got. I know, shocking!

I don’t need the latest and greatest hair twisty thing or back cream or eyebrow threading torture or fake designer purse or week at the Dead Sea. I don’t even need a lecture from some poor UNICEF worker who’s been stuck at the mall trying to get female shoppers to care about more than the latest lip color and shoe trend.

I actually do not understand why mall management even allows you kiosk people in the hallways. Do you pay that much rent? Because I’m ready to give up on inside malls and either shop the new fangled outside malls or just shop online. I’d rather freeze my butt off running from one store to the next than try to dodge you and all five thousand other holiday shoppers who are also trying to dodge you. It’s like a demolition derby with all of us trying to stay as far way from the middle of the mall halls as we can.

And you are persistent little buggers too. One of your cohorts even stopped me tonight as I was quickly rushing by him, almost giving my kids whiplash as I tried to get out of your reach. I was not fast enough. He claimed to know I was busy and didn’t have time tonight but then went into his spiel anyway and asked me to come back and take a look at his table when I had more time. As if. You just wasted those minutes buddy. You’ll never get them back, and neither will I.

Can you do us all mall shoppers a favor and just please cease and desist? It would provide so much more walkway space. It would increase my mood immensely. And I promise you, if I ever do need the latest and greatest hair twisty thing or back cream or eyebrow threading torture or fake designer purse or week at the Dead Sea I will seek you out and give you all my money. Because that’s what shopping’s about–the hunt, the find and the kill. And we all know how I feel about that last one…

I do mean all of this in the nicest way, and I’m sure I am speaking for all shoppers who dare to continue to visit malls.

Your on-the-edge shopper,

*For those of you shocked that I would wish someone dead, come on now. You’re smarter than that right?