You Never Let Go

[For maximum effect click You Never Let Go and then continue to read]

 Thursday started out with promise and anticipation. I was excited that we were going to get school done in the morning and head to Kansas City to visit family and see the Bodies Revealed Exhibit. I was excited about there only being two days of school left. It’s funny how tender and fragile your self esteem is and how that can affect the rest of you.

First, I had to get two tote bags ready to deliver. They had been flawed in tiny ways. I had fixed the flaws satisfactorily for me, but would the customer be happy with the changes I made. I was dreading dropping them off because I didn’t want there to be any disappointment. I wanted to just redo them, but there wasn’t time, and when you run a small business you try to make every penny count. Strike One.

Then, Reagan had to write about her school year for her spelling assignment today. This is what she wrote:

I don’t reely like home skool beekos my mommy is olwase made at me. I drest up reely pretty today and it is a pretty day otside to. but I am going to get in trodl beekos my mom sed if I don’t finish my pagese wen she gets ote of the showere I will by in trabl.

No, I’m not teaching her Old English. It looks like I’m failing at teaching spelling and at teaching about staying on topic. And at being a good homeschooling teacher in general. And at being a mother. I started crying before she even finished reading it to me. Strike Two.

I drove to Kansas City with a headache that lasted the whole day. While at the Bodies exhibit I managed to lose a check I had written to my stepmother to cover the cost of the tickets. How did it fall out of my back pocket? How freaked would Du be when he found out? How much financial info could they get? Could our bank cancel the check without it costing a fortune? Strike Three.

I did have a good day despite these things. It helps to get my mind on other things. And Ashlyn behaved the whole day, which was a special blessing from God in itself. I needed some perspective though.

On the way home this David Crowder Band song came on. “You Never Let Go“. Oh my soul, no matter what happens in my life God has a firm grip on me. No matter how far I might stray or for how ever long, He never lets go of me. It’s hard to fathom…the God of the universe cares so much about me that He never lets go of me. What peace that brings. It makes these trivial problems disappear. It makes the monumental catastrophes bearable. I don’t have to go through anything on my own strength. I can’t go through anything on my own strength. But with God firmly holding onto me I can bear anything. It’s when I remember that He never lets go, and when I remember that I must let go, that things get better.

My problems today were trivial. If I had needed to redo the bags then I’d just redo them! This customer is a good one and a good friend at that…what was I so worried about? She ended up loving them and showing them to a neighbor. And kids are notorious for living in the present. No, Reagan doesn’t generally hate homeschool. It’s just lately she’s been a little distracted and so I’ve had to lay on the pressure a little bit more. Most of the time we enjoy school. In her of-the-moment mind though she doesn’t immediately think on those times. And the check. If I’d have had to cancel it then I’d have had to cancel it, big deal. I learned that things aren’t really safe tucked in your back pocket. (I retrieved the check though. I went to the lost and found in the remote chance that someone found it and actually turned it in. They did).

Lamentations 3:19-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord‘s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;…

 

Oh God, You never let go.

 

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4 thoughts on “You Never Let Go

  1. Melissa Garrett says:

    Glad to hear that everything worked out in the end. 🙂

    I once found a page on which my daughter had written basically that I yell at her all the time (not true) and that I must not love her (definitely not true). I felt about an inch high.

  2. i am fascinated by reagan’s essay. it’s beautiful, but i can see how it could be bruising, also. one day when she’s a writer she can look back and see how far she’s come, and maybe also regret being partially responsible for your low self-esteem day.

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