This is Ashlyn…don’t tell Mommy…

SSHHH…my mommy is in the showuh wight now. i know she wites abowt me heuh. she thinks i don’t unduhstand evything she says when she talks and wites at the same time. but i’m smahtuh than she thinks. let’s keep it that way, k?

i want to take the opputoonuty to clear up sum miscept…misconert…miscontracept…misconceptions bout me. i know mommy gets fwustwated wif me sumtimes but it’s onwy becawse she’s not a baby anymo. the othuh kids in the horwible pwace i get stuck on sunday monings nursuwy tell me that pawents foget what it’s like to be baby. i know that fo a fact.

 

fo infere…advance…instance, just now i was in the bathwoom with mommy. i kept twyin to open da showuh doahs. as soon as i’d get wun slid open my mommy wuld close it yellin that i was makin’ her cold. so i’d go and slide open thu oduh wun. i just want to see why she’s standing up in da baf tub? i aways hav to sit in this wittle seat that won’t wet me move anywheuh. big pepul stand up in da tub.

 

mommy may hav tode you i put up a fight on da changin table. i’m not fightin wif mommy, we awe pwayin a game! she has to get my new dipuh on befo i can tickle her tummy wif my feet! sumtimes it duz look like i huwt her though. maybe i kick a wittle too hawd. she gets a mad face, gwabs my wegs and gwowls at me to stop. i win!!

 

she may have awso tode you i shwed toiwet papuh. i’m not doin anything bad, i’m instruct…decweas…incweasin someting cawwed my fine moter skiws. it takes a wot of work to wip that papuh up so smaw. then i like to make da howse pwetty so i spwinkle it all ovuh. it wooks snowy. she shuld be pwowd uv me! i think she gets mad becawse then she has to cwean. has she towd you she dusn’t wike to cwean? cuz she dusn’t.

 

i know mommy’s told you abowt how i wike to jump a wot…on her and daddy. you see, i’m short and can’t see much. when i’m on theuh laps i haf to jump to be able to see ovuh the seats in fwunt of me. in the pwane i just wanted to see evwywun and tell them hi. those pwane people weren’t havin a good day. and at Wagan’s award serious…certin…cewemony i was so pwoud of her! i culdn’t hewp but jump and showt fo joy! i think mommy thinks i hav too much enewgy. i think she’s just owd. don’t tell her i sed that. she doesn’t wike it when people say that.

 

she hasn’t towd you abowt my wag fettish desire to cwean the howse has she? she tells y’all evwything…i wike wags not becawse i wike to suck on dem. I wipe aw de stuff mommy doesn’t wipe. did i tell you she dusn’t wike to cwean? cuz she dusn’t. it’s up to me to wipe stuff. so what if i wipe da flo wif da wag and den suck on it?

ooh! she’s owt of da showuh now! i hope you unduhestim…unduhstand me mo now. don’t bewieve her if she tells you i’ve been wubbin my hed acwoss da flo when i cwal. i’m not siwwy or cwazy. i’m pwetendin to be a…a…vaccoom…yeh…that’s it.