Stupid Murphy

I know I’m not the only one that this happens to. I (and you too, I’m sure) can pretty much guarantee that if I have to be somewhere at a very specific time, like the don’t be late kinda thing, “everything” will conspire against me to make me late. Well, tonight we were not only late, we were no shows. And our night didn’t get much better after that.

Tonight was the first night of AWANA for the girls. They, however, did not attend and it wasn’t for us trying. Satan, who also goes by Murphy, has a law that’s almost as constant as gravity. Here are some of the law’s conditional statements:

• IF Vicki needs to get somewhere on time THEN every single light in a mile radius of Vicki will be red.
• IF Vicki leaves the house without allowing any extra time for traffic THEN an idiot driver someone who probably shouldn’t have a license will slam on the brakes in front of the truck instead of turning right like his turn signal says he wants to.
• IF Vicki hears that Arby’s is offering a free sandwich tonight if you buy a soda (I was giving them a pass that it was Pepsi, yuck) and
• IF Vicki finds that her closest Arby’s is actually by the church holding the AWANA program making it seem like a win, win situation THEN Vicki’s closest Arby’s restaurant (if it can be called such) will be located inside of a dank, dark, deserted mall and will only offer that free sandwich if a nonexistent coupon is provided. I should have guessed as much from a “restaurant” offering Pepsi. I’m so sorry Coca Cola.
• IF Vicki and her family decide to eat at a restaurant that did not mislead us THEN this new restaurant will not have the spicy chicken tenders, which they are famous for, nor will they have mayonnaise, which everyone knows is the only way to eat french fries.
• IF Vicki and her family decide to have dessert to make the night a little better THEN the ice cream will be fermented, which I didn’t even know ice cream could do. ‘Cause this tasted like the guy had poured alcohol on MY CHILD’S ice cream cone. She said, “this doesn’t taste like regular chocolate, this is spicy chocolate!” Now, I know to check my children’s food when they say it tastes different. How do I know? Well, I’ve tried to feed them fermented cantaloupe and fermented breast milk before. Mother of the year, I know.
• IF Vicki and her family decide to have dessert to make the night a little better and
• IF Vicki sees the guy behind the Dairy Queen counter (oh, did I just mention their name?) picking his teeth, his back teeth with his bare fingernail and
• IF Vicki and family decide to eat there anyway even though owner-guy was picking his back teeth with his bare fingernail THEN we should expect fermented milk in our ice cream. Shame on us.

Murphy aka Satan cannot bring us down though. We’ll catch AWANA next week. However, we will never eat at that Arby’s nor at that Dairy Queen again. That won’t be hard because we’re never going back to that mall again. Good thing there are about eleventy-seven others to choose from around here.